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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23200327">It’s Okay, We’re surviving</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MochaDae/pseuds/MochaDae'>MochaDae</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EXO (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Mentions of Anger Issues, Mentions of being hospitalized, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of overdose, talks about homicidal thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:22:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23200327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MochaDae/pseuds/MochaDae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Minseok signed up for a group therapy, he certainly didn't expect getting into this situation.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SnowSpark Fest Round One</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It’s Okay, We’re surviving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt: 218</p><p>Ok. So I fucked up with smth in this so I am deeply sorry, I apologize for my mistake. But other than that, pls, pls, pls if you are currently suicidal, might’ve been on the past or are in any risk of being triggered by any of this pls be cautious of reading this. This has sensitive topics such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other topics. I cannot express how important it is for one to be cautious of reading this. I rly don’t want to trigger anyone. Pls proceed with caution 🥺🥺🥺</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>Kim Minseok had barely stepped foot into the building and he already wanted to get out. The smell of alcohol and just, hospital, filled his nose. A strong sense of wanting to flee tugged his gut, but he knew he couldn’t do that seeing this was something he had to do. There was no choice in the matter.</p><p>“I don’t want to be here,” he narrowed his eyes along the cream colored walls, blue couches on the left side with a snackbar machine further back. The desk with a receptionist was on the right, brown polished wood giving off a sheen. There were two securities on the double doors towards the exit and another transparent door on the other side that led towards the inside of the building.</p><p>“I know you don’t, but it’s necessary. You just got out and-“ he tightened his lips into a line, turning his head towards the very same doors that he had been behind not even three days ago. He remembered the helplessness when passing through to see people out, free, crossing the double doors he had wished every night he could pass too.</p><p>“Minseok, please just try to cooperate.”</p><p>“I’m here am I not?” he couldn’t help but snap bitterly, “I’m alive and I think that’s more than enough of cooperation.” The anger this building brought out from him was concerning. Despite knowing everything he had gone through the last two weeks had been for his own good the feeling of frustration was still there. Just boiling until he almost felt like drowning all over again.</p><p>His mom sighed, ignoring what he had said and walked towards the receptionist to speak to her. His older brother tilted his head towards the couches, silently telling him to follow him. With no other option than to really do that Minseok trailed after him. His eyes zeroed into the snackbar, gaze lingering at the chips that he hadn’t had in over probably three weeks now.</p><p>“You have money?” he blurted out. He knew the way he was acting right now had no excuse, actually yes it did. He had just gotten back home from an experience he hated but knew he needed it and he would act spoiled as much as could seeing he did deserve it for all that had happened.</p><p>“Nope! Ask mom,” his brother shook his head, looking at their mom who was still speaking to the receptionist. It was taking way too long for them in his opinion to just tell the nurses that he was there. A small frown grew on his lips at the thought of walking through that transparent door again. But at least this time he knew when he would be getting out.</p><p>Last time hadn’t been the same.</p><p>“Go see what’s taking them so long,” his brother looked like he wanted to argue but because of recent events he just nodded. He hated the way people were treating him right now. He hated how careful everyone spoke to him, always so worried about asking the wrong question, the pitying looks on their eyes. Even his own mom wasn’t the same.</p><p>But he couldn’t blame them. What had happened wasn’t something one could brush off so fast. What had happened still sent him in shock, his mind barely catching up on what was even going on. Even now, three days later he couldn’t believe the events that had taken place. He didn’t want to spend too much time dwelling on it because it would force him to remember and he didn’t want that.</p><p>“They’re saying in the records you were discharged 5 days ago,” he furrowed his eyebrows, “and you only have 3 days to start the outpatient program or else you’ll have to go back upstairs.” That was all it took for him to jump out of the couch and rush towards the desk.</p><p>He would not go back.</p><p>“I got out Friday afternoon, not Wednesday,” his voice was frail but firm. He recognized the receptionist unfortunately, had seen her twice; once when he was brought in and twice when he had left. It was truly unfortunate he would have to see her again. That had been the last thing he wanted when he left.</p><p>He never wanted to step here again. But he had no choice as had been proven to him over and over again. Why couldn’t things ever go his way? Why couldn't he make all the decisions for himself? But then again, it was probably good he didn’t have all the control or else he wouldn’t be here.</p><p>“It says here you were discharged-“</p><p>“Well it’s wrong.”</p><p>“Minseok calm down,” his mom put her hand on his shoulder. Shrugging it off he stalked back to the couch where his brother was seated. His phone was resting on his lap, earbuds on both ears. He sat down, pushed his phone away and rested his head in his lap. The feeling that this wasn’t himself tugged the back of his mind but that was fine, he hadn’t been himself these last few months either way.</p><p>“I’m not going back,” his voice threatened to crack and his eyes burned just a bit. He blinked rapidly to get rid of it, letting his brother push an earbud on his left ear. The soft melody of his favorite singer immediately relaxed him, slowing down the fast rate of his heart he had barely even noticed had changed. A sense of calm washed over him that he honestly was more grateful than he could say.</p><p>“We’re gonna leave you here,” his brother teased, pushing his head just a bit. And while those were the last words he wanted to hear it still brought a crack of what had once been a smile. His brother might be the most annoying older brother in the world but no one else could ever replace him.</p><p>“Like hell you are. I’ll drag you with me,” he chuckled weakly, closing his eyes as a silent sign for him to stop talking. All he wanted right now was to go home, burry under his soft blankets and maybe sleep for an entire month. He knew that wouldn’t solve anything but he was so exhausted he would do anything for a break from everything that had been happening.</p><p>“They won’t accept me, I’m too normal for them,” other people might find his brother’s words offensive but Minseok was already used to him. He punched his knee, finally smiling at his brother’s wince of pain. After a grumble of ‘shut the fuck up’ there was only the melody flowing through the earbuds that filled his ears.</p><p>A hard push on his back made him open his eyes to see a nurse he recognized. While he had indeed been a nice one the feeling that he was trapped without a guarantee when he would leave pushed its way forward. He sat up slowly to mumble a small greeting, slouching when his body decided it didn’t even have the energy to sit up correctly.</p><p>“Good morning Minseok,” the nurse returned the greeting as if he really believed it was. Minseok was here to tell the world it certainly wasn’t if he was here again. “We fixed up the discharge date. You and your mom will have to sign these papers and once you’re done with them I’ll come back to check your vitals.” He handed them some papers and pens before leaving.</p><p>“Give me that,” his brother snatched the papers from him, crossing his leg over the other to make himself look professional. “I’m your legal guardian here and you’re still a minor meaning I will sign these for you,” he started to write his name. With a scowl Minseok snatched the pen back, he was the patient here not his brother.</p><p>“Shut up! I’m the patient!” a small war of tug and forth started before their mom hushed them to act like normal civilized people. The tip of Minseok’s tongue burned with the snap that why should he act like that when they didn’t treat him that way for an entire eight days. But thankfully he didn’t say anything, just stayed quiet as he let his brother sign the papers for him.</p><p>“Will you need transportation?” another nurse Minseok unfortunately recognized popped up out of nowhere nearly stopping his heart. With a small flinch he looked at his mom. She nodded much to his disappointment, he had been hoping they would at least pick him up but he couldn’t have everything. Just the fact that he was out should be enough.</p><p>“And Minseok please come with me to take your vitals,” with a frown he stood up, cursing internally when he started swaying and his head started feeling light. The edges of his vision turned black for a few seconds with the annoying feeling that something was clogging his ears. He stood up too fast, he shouldn’t have done that.</p><p>“Bye! We’re gonna leave you here!” his brother waved at him, sending him a grin that for a second was actually genuine before returning to playful. Mouthing a few words and a very clear sign to ‘fuck off’ he trailed after the nurse. He already wanted to crawl back to his family when he saw he was a few feet away from the door that had locked him and many others from the outside world for many days.</p><p>Just seeing the nurse have to unlock the door made him feel sick. He really didn’t want to go back inside. Walking those hallways again would force him to remember the place he had been in days ago, the place he was barely crawling out of. Would force him to remember how helpless he had felt those days, never knowing when he would leave nor when he would see the outside world again.</p><p>“This way,” he knew the way unfortunately. But silently he followed her, mouth awfully dry because he knew he was dehydrated. He didn’t want to think about that yet he knew he had to, seeing this was one of the reasons he was even there in the first place. That did not mean however he was neither happy to nor wanted to.</p><p>“Do I need to take off my hoodie?” he asked, entering the small room and sitting down in the black chair. The blood pressure monitor was there, thermometer and pulse oximetry. The nurse touched his forearm, squeezing just a bit to see if it would be too much for the monitor to pick up his blood pressure.</p><p>“It should be fine,” was the answer before he grabbed one of the smaller ones to put around his arm, connecting the wire to the monitor and clicking one of the buttons to start it. Immediately air started to fill the bag and squeezing his arm to get his blood pressure. He sighed only, letting the nurse put on the pulse oximetry on his index finger to check for his pulse.</p><p>His mouth opened automatically to let the thermometer under his tongue, waiting for the sound before the nurse took it out and let him close it. The sound of the monitor made him look towards his right, around the same time the pulse oximetry made a sound too. The nurse took both of them off after putting his vital numbers on a sticky note.</p><p>“Shoes off,” he pointed towards the weight scale. Minseok resisted the urge to frown because he already knew that it was going to be low. When wasn’t it tho was the actual question. And sure enough, he was underweight by at least thirty pounds. He wasn’t surprised, even when the nurse asked him if he had lost weight since the last time he had been checked.</p><p>“I gained another pound,” he tried to sound cheerful but how could he when he knew he was going to lose it eventually. He couldn’t keep his weight up no matter what he did and even though he should care, after many years of struggling with this he was sadly too used to it.</p><p>“Congratulations! But you need to start eating more, I will bring you a Boost when you enter the group today.”</p><p>“Mhmm.” he nodded, having already known he was going to say that. Boost was that way-too-sweet milkshake he had been forced to drink three times a day when he had been inpatient. It had the nutrients and vitamins he was lacking, which was of course many.</p><p>“Step here to check your height,” another thing that had not changed. So with the nurse writing his height on the sticky note and reminding him about the Boost he walked him back out to the waiting area. His brother was done signing papers that he was supposed to sign and so was his mother. Another nurse he recognized was there waiting for him.</p><p>“Minseok, put on one of these,” he held up a sticker that said ‘outpatient’, “and say goodbye to your family. I will show you where the group will be.” His heart sped at the mention that he would have to leave them. He would be all alone again and no matter how many times in his head he would say he was better off alone, after having experienced it he didn’t know anymore.</p><p>“Bye!” his brother waved at him with that grin still on his face. His mom gave him a small smile, looking as if she was hesitating before just settling with a small wave. Not wanting to see them leave the double doors he turned around and followed the nurse. He would not watch them leave him again.</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>The first thing Minseok saw was a guy in a black hoodie, black jeans, black shoes and basically the stereotypical depressed teen. He almost chuckled because he had been going on for that too, only his shoes had a thin white line in the middle. A therapist who had been sitting on the table stood up to greet him, her smile wide and genuine.</p><p>“I’m Ms. Chunhei, the main therapist who you will see for most of the groups,” she walked over to a cubby he hadn’t noticed was there and handed it a paper to him. “Every morning we fill out this sheet to see how we are today. You will have a short and long term goal during your time here. The first group it’s check-ins which you just missed, we’re about to take a break.”</p><p>With a small nod Minseok grabbed the paper handed to him, looking around the table for an open spot to sit in. Thankfully there was one close to him next to a guy who looked like he was trying so hard to stay awake. Head falling over, forehead in his palm, hoodie over his hair. Too bad he couldn’t see his face.</p><p>“Next group we will introduce everyone,” with a look at the clock she walked over to another door on the other side of the room and pulled it open revealing an office. She stepped inside and within a minute a guy far in the corner walked over to him. He was tall, ears that stood out, wide eyes and big grin. Everything about him was big, even his presence.</p><p>“I’m Park Chanyeol,” he pulled back a chair with an awful screech that made everyone cringe. “And I’ve been here the longest, along with Baek. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it seems. Only the food is worse than inpatient.” Everyone nodded, even the sleepy guy hummed, showing that despite the looks of it he wasn't actually sleeping.</p><p>“Minseok, Kim Minseok-“</p><p>“AND WE HAVE ANOTHER KIM WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!”</p><p>“Oh my god Luhan stop! You’re scaring him! We have to make it seem like we’re at least a bit normal!” the one that looked obviously stressed rolled his eyes. He was small, fluffy black hair, oversized sweatshirt that he probably didn’t realize was put on backwards. It didn’t seem like he needed to be told seeing the obvious exhaustion in his posture indicated he didn’t need anymore stress.</p><p>“It’s ok, it’s not like we’re normal anyways if we’re here,” there was a bit of dark humor in his words that everyone seemed to get. Someone caught his attention, their leg was bouncing rapidly, hands awfully fidgety, eyes blinking rapidly as if wanting to get them into focus. They were really anxious it seemed.</p><p>“Oh thank god you’re not one of those people who is like ‘oh you’re all normal, I don’t want you to think you’re not because you are’,” Luhan seated in the chair in front of him. “Like we know we are, but we just don’t feel like it because of all the shits we have. We’re all sick somehow and that’s the truth, what we have isn’t what everyone has. At least not to our level. And I’m Luhan.”</p><p>From then on everyone started introducing themselves. A nurse entered halfway through with a bag full of snacks. Everyone grabbed something, even the sleepy guy snatched a pair of crackers before putting his head back down. Most of them were around his age, the youngest almost 15 in a few months. He felt so bad for the two kids who were having to go through all of that at such a young age.</p><p>Before they knew it the break had ended, the same therapist walked back in and sat down at the front of the room. The room was back to being quiet, the sleepy guy raising his head when the therapist told him he couldn’t rest for that group. He raised his head, looked at him for a second before sighing.</p><p>“Now Jongdae, tell us your name, how old you are and an interesting thing about you. Or your favorite color if you can’t think of one,” with the automatic way Ms. Chunhei said that Minseok had a feeling she repeated that phrase a lot. Everyone seemed bored, probably having answered that various times before too.</p><p>“I’m Kim Jongdae, I’m 17 and my favorite color is white,” that was all. Ms. Chunhei moved on to the next person until it ended with Minseok who had been dreading this. Speaking in front of so many people was making his heart race in a way he didn’t like and his chest felt like it was tightening up.</p><p>“My name is Kim Minseok, I’m 17, 18 in a few weeks and I like to listen to music,” that was simple. Everyone liked music. There was nothing too specific about that hobby that would make him seem weird or draw any further attention to himself. He had practiced saying that phrase over and over again since Ms. Chunhei had asked Jongdae those questions.</p><p>“Is that one of your coping skills?”</p><p>His heart stopped for a second before he nodded. He hadn’t been expecting a question for his answer and needlessly to say he would’ve rather known about further interrogations towards his response. He needed warning or else he feared his anxiety was going to have a field day.</p><p>Ms. Chunhei moved on to the group rules. The usual be respectful, no talking when others were speaking, to keep confidentiality and anything that happened in group stayed in group. There was also this rule about not contacting people from group outside of therapy. That one Minseok didn’t understand much, what was the point?</p><p>The day was the same pattern. Therapy group, break for twenty minutes, group again and then patients in the IOP program, left at twelve while PHP stayed until three. Many left leaving the room almost empty compared to what it had been before. Now instead of twelve people there were only five. Two more groups to go before he got to leave home.</p><p>“Are you going to eat that?” a tap on the table pulled his attention. He turned his attention to Jongdae who was pointing at his chocolate chip cookie. Just looking at the food made him feel nauseous. He shook his head, pushing the tray towards Jongdae who mumbled a ‘thanks’ before grabbing it.</p><p>“You’re not hungry?” Jongdae asked, taking a sip of the juice. The rest of the food was left untouched, cold and uninviting looking. The smell made Minseok frown, his brain knowing he needed food but his stomach didn’t want it. He felt sick looking at it, he much less wanted to taste it. It was fine, he could eat at home.</p><p>“No, I ate breakfast this morning and I still feel a little full.” he was full but he also didn’t want that food. Chanyeol was right, the inpatient food was way better than the outpatient. That was probably the only good thing about being inpatient, everything else sucked. But better put those memories at the back of his mind before he broke down again.</p><p>“I see.” Jongdae nodded, thankfully not pushing it. When he finished the juice and cookies he grabbed his tray and threw it in the trash. Almost everyone else had not eaten the food either. Minseok slowly stood up, knowing the mistake of doing it fast and walked over to the trash can. He left his tray on top of everyone else’s.</p><p>“You know, there’s a few crosswords and drawings to color over there if you want. We basically do nothing but talk here and we need a source of entertainment.” Jongdae pointed at the stack of papers in the small desk next to the door. Taking his word for it, Minseok looked over them, grabbed all the crosswords and sat back down.</p><p>“When did you come here?” he asked, he hadn’t had the chance to meet Jongdae before seeing he had been sleeping (or at least trying to) most of the day. He had a good description of everyone except Jongdae. All he was right now was a name, age and favorite color.</p><p>“Friday.”</p><p>The day of his discharge.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Like everyone else,” Jongdae shrugged his shoulders, “attempted suicide, failed. Depression got too bad, anxiety ate me up, mind way too fucked up to continue living so I overdosed and ended up having to be hospitalized, then inpatient.” The way he carelessly said it made a part of Minseok hurt. Someone so young shouldn’t have those thoughts.</p><p>“You?” Jongdae put his chin on his palm, looking up to him with a lift of his eyebrow.</p><p>“Had thoughts of suicide, I slowed down in front of cars hoping one would run me over,” he could remember how close he’d been two times. The rush of air as the car sped by him only a few inches away. The frustration of being so close yet so far. The anger to himself for wanting to die. How scared he had been, yet so numb to the world like a walking corpse.</p><p>“Depression, suicidal thoughts, same shit with the anxiety and eating disorder,” how many times he had been asked the question as to how he had ended up there, he didn’t know. So many doctors, nurses, therapists, psychiatrists, and other patients. So many people in general that the answer just came out without thinking.</p><p>“Well that sucks,” Jongdae looked genuinely upset with it, his small smile a bit forced as if trying to make things better. It might not really make a difference to his situation but Minseok appreciated it. He shrugged his shoulders, mumbling how he was used to it. It sucked, he knew that, all he could really do now was do his best to get better.</p><p>“Well that turned depressing real quick,” Jongdae coughed, shooting him a brighter smile as he grabbed a marker from the bucket in the middle of the table. There was a green cup of small pencils, crayons and badly-need-to-be-sharpened colored pencils. There were no erasers on the pencils, nor anywhere around unfortunately, along with a sharpener.</p><p>“Give me one,” looking down at his stack, Minseok looked over each crossword, picking out the one that had less words and having it over to Jongdae. All he received was a raise of eyebrows but the smile didn’t fall. So what, he might be a bit selfish when it came to things he actually liked. He could only return a sheepish smile, grabbing a marker to start.</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>Minseok would like to lie and say time passed fast after that, but that wouldn’t be the truth. He kept checking the time in the clock near the cubby, frustrated that he couldn’t have his phone nor any sort of electronic really. The situation reminded him too much when he had been inpatient, so communication to the outside world. Apparently it was for the sake of ‘outside resources having an effect on his recovery’.</p><p>“...and when he tried to stand up we saw that his foot was cut open, so we freaked out,” Minseok continued telling Jongdae the story of how his cousin cut his foot because of a dare to stand on a vase when they had been in the pool. He had warned him it was a stupid idea, but in the end his cousin’s friends manage to convince his cousin.</p><p>“And it was so sad because I really liked the vase, it was such a pretty design and expensive! So expensive!” he cried in frustration, remembering the pretty vase. It was his favorite, until his cousin, of course, broke it. It was such a sad loss, his family brought the other glass vase inside the house when they found out what had happened.</p><p>“You care more about a vase than your cousin breaking his foot-“</p><p>“He cut it, not broke it. Don’t be dramatic,” he waved his hand in dismissal with a small tsk sound. The sound of Jongdae’s laughter reached his ears, making him grin back. Apart from Jongdae being lazy and sleepy, he was great company. He was a great listener, participated really well in the conversation that Minseok never felt like he was blabbing too much.</p><p>“He was only left with a weird bump,” he continued, looking down at his stack of crosswords he had finished. After having finished all of the different ones that had been on track cubby, Minseok had asked for more. Three nurses had told him they’ll try to copy more, none of them returned even after an hour and a half.</p><p>In the end he and Jongdae started talking again, first complaining about how his crosswords hadn’t come yet. That led on to a raging battle of who could start a new crossword and do it the fastest. Of course Minseok won, rubbing it all over Jongdae’s sore loser face who practically yelled that he would beat him the next day.</p><p>“I’m still better than you!” the light teasing was absolutely childish but neither seemed to mind because they moved on into coloring until their hands were sore. The therapist for some reason had yet to show up despite the last group having already started. Nobody seemed to mind, all too busy talking or doing their own thing.</p><p>Eventually they started talking about little stories they had. Jongdae, having been chased by a small chihuahua when he was little, later found out he was allergic to dogs and declared them ‘the devil’s spawn’. When he had found out Minseok had a dog he had gasped, stood up and told nurse Wendy that he please be removed before he fought someone.</p><p>“Oh shut up!” Minseok couldn’t help but laugh at his dramatic self, “You have one of those birds that probably keep you awake until ungodly hours of the morning and screech you’re ear off.” Jongdae had turned around, sat down and very passive aggressively explained that his bird wasn’t like that.</p><p>“Wendy what time is it,” Jongdae asked for him when Minseok asked him what time it was despite knowing he didn’t have a clock. He would’ve asked Wendy himself but the anxiety of having to speak up was too much for him. Thankfully Jongdae seemed to understand, nodding at him before speaking up.</p><p>“It’s almost time for everyone to leave. They seriously didn’t come?” as if that was the opening they needed everyone started complaining about absolutely everything. They somehow even managed to include the food in, which Minseok watched in disbelief how every single one very passionately hated the food of outpatient.</p><p>Finally, two fifty came and Wendy started telling everyone to clean up and put the chairs back against the wall how they had found it in the morning. Minseok just followed along, looking at the table and immediately starting to clean everything up. It was so messy, his hands twitching with the need to stack everything perfectly.</p><p>The guy who had been with them during the breaks thanked him for it, as if he had been asked to do it. With a small “It’s nothing” Minseok sat down in one of the chairs, waiting to see what would happen. A small movement caught his attention from his peripheral vision making him turn his head just in time to see Jongdae sit down next to him.</p><p>“What do we do after this?” he couldn’t help but ask, lost because it was after all his first day. Jongdae explained how the driver would come in, list off who they had to take home and then leave with them. There were usually two drivers who took them home. The woman that had picked him up in the morning and the guy who had been with them during their breaks.</p><p>“So we just wait,” he concluded after the explanation that he would probably eventually forget. It wasn’t intentional, but something he was already used to happening after having become a routine over the years. His memory was horrible because of the depression, anxiety, and also the fact that his eating disorder wasn’t helping along with the insomnia that had hit him hard.</p><p>“Pretty much,” and that was what they did until a woman knocked on the door, listing people’s names before they stood up. Only Jongdae and him were left, the guy (who Minseok had yet to know his name) waved at them to come over to him. After collecting their stuff from the cabinets in the room they had first entered in they followed him.</p><p>“What’s your name?” the guy asked, looking at him through the rearview mirror. Minseok blinked and pointed at himself just to make sure he was talking to him. When the guy nodded he said his name, watching carefully at the way the guy typed it on his phone and the phone loudly said, “Kim Minseok, 17, Springcoast, Dandale 3542, home, mom.”</p><p>With that they got out of the parking lot, through the entrance of the hospital and in a street that was between a big parking lot and the hospital itself. Minseok looked back at Jongdae, finding him over the seats in the back with his legs tucked into his chest trying to sleep. The car ride was bumpy, he couldn’t understand how someone could sleep like that.</p><p>The rest of the ride he just looked out the window, yearning to go home to his room and hide under his blankets. He was so tired of having to come back to the place he never wanted to come back to, having to talk to people as fucked up as he was, listening to therapists go on and on about healthy coping skills when he knew they were trying to help but he honestly was too exhausted to listen.</p><p>It felt like it took forever before he started recognizing the streets that they were passing. They weren’t far from his house thankfully. Starting to unbuckle his seatbelt, Minseok looked back one last time at Jongdae to find him further tucking his chin under his chest. He couldn’t help but wince, the seats were not comfortable and even less the buckles digging into his side.</p><p>“We’re here,” those were the sweetest words Minsoek had ever heard. Quickly he walked over to the door, pulling it open after saying a quick goodbye to the driver. Just as he was about to close the door a voice called his name,</p><p>“See you tomorrow Minseok!”</p><p>With a small smile Minseok nodded, “See you tomorrow Jongdae.”</p><p>With that he closed the door, walking over to his house and after ringing the bell like a crazy person, stepped inside. The last view he had when he closed the door was the van turning back where it had come from.</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>The next morning felt like hell. While his older brother got to sleep in because it was winter break, he had to wake up at five thirty to get ready because the van was supposed to come pick him up at six in the morning. Not only did he have to waste his winter break on a stupid therapy group he didn’t even want, but also wave up at ungodly hours as it he was still in school.</p><p>“Don’t forget to drink your pills and come out to drink breakfast,” his mom reminded him after he had finished brushing his teeth and pulled in a random pair of jeans and hoodie. He didn’t care what he looked like, all he wanted right now was sleep and he honestly wished he could get it.</p><p>He hadn’t slept all night, he had kept twisting and turning, waking up at random times and struggling to fall asleep. He felt exhausted, there was barely enough energy inside him to get ready. With a hand tugging his hoodie down, Minseok grabbed his pills and vitamins, the nutritional drink full of three hundred and sixty calories that he needed and drank it.</p><p>While the Lexapro, the anxiety and depression pill, was small and so were the two vitamin D, the multivitamin was a big pill to swallow. Minseok wished he didn’t have to take them, having to drink it every morning just for his thoughts not to kill him and his body not to hate him. He despised having to look at the bottles that held him mental and physical health stable.</p><p>He got out of his room, walking toward the living room where the table was, he started eating his breakfast. It was small because of his lack of appetite. Just as he was finishing drinking his boost, a loud beep of a car pulled his attention. He stood up, rushing to get his stuff to leave. With a small goodbye to his mom, he opened the door.</p><p>The van was there, waiting for him to enter. There was still a bitterness inside him that wanted to snap at having to go, but he pushed it down knowing it was for his own good that he was doing this. That did not however mean he was anymore happy about it than before.</p><p>Minseok opened the door, closing it behind him and to his surprise, found Jongdae sitting on the first row. He was leaning his head against the window, body curled into a small ball. Somehow he wasn’t surprised to find him like that. With a small mumble of “good morning” to the driver, he sat down next to Jongdae and laid down on the seat next to him to hopefully get a few minutes of sleep.</p><p>The next hour they picked up a few more other patients, Minseok didn’t focus too much on it seeing he was trying to get sleep. But it did not work, no surprise there. The insomnia had hit him very hard much to his absolute disgust. The only thing he had been able to be good at before was sleeping, but now he couldn’t even do that properly.</p><p>Before he knew it, the familiar orange building he unfortunately spent too much time in his opinion came into view. Sitting up, Minseok looked to his side to find Jongdae blinking confusedly, the way his lips frowned before sighing. It was obvious he wasn’t the only one unhappy that they had arrived.</p><p>Yes, they probably should be happy that they’re getting the help they need. But Minseok couldn't find it in himself to be happy to have to go through all of this for something he never wanted in the first place. He hated how sick he was, both physically and mentally. He was so tired of having to battle through suicidal thoughts everyday, so exhausted of wanting to die every minute that having to go through therapy to get better felt just as tiring.</p><p>Recovery was hard. He had barely gotten out of inpatient four days ago. Just from this he already knew recovery was going to be hard and exhausting. Right there and then, he felt as if he wouldn’t be able to make it. Everything was too much, he was still so confused on what was even going on. He didn’t even know what he wanted right now. All he knew was that he was tired.</p><p>They got out of the van, entering the first set of doors and having to wait for the receptionist to unlock the second doors that led to the building. Seeing it was still his first few days, Minseok followed what the other people were doing closely. After putting a sticker that said ‘outpatient’ they followed the driver towards the transparent doors, got in after she unlocked it and walked towards the room they had been in the day before.</p><p>It was a routine. Eating breakfast, waiting for the therapist, everyone collapsing on the tables as soon as they sat down because they were just as tired, if not mentally then physically. It was hard for them, it was hard for Minseok to have the energy to look around at people who were just as bad as he was. He felt pity despite knowing he shouldn’t because he wouldn’t want someone to have pity for him either. But he couldn’t help it, nobody deserved what they were going through.</p><p>“Here,” looking up from his thoughts Minseok flickered his eyes towards the paper Jongdae was giving him. It was the same sheet he had seen on the therapist’s hand the day before. There were questions, such as his mood, how many hours he had slept, the rate of depression, anxiety, etc…</p><p>“Oh, thank you,” with a small smile Minseok grabbed a dull pencil from the cup that was still where he had left it the day before. The pencils hadn’t been sharpened in who knew how long, probably wouldn’t be for a while. They probably would say the same thing the nurses upstairs in inpatient said about how someone might try to cut themselves with the sharp lead. The same thing with erasers and sharpeners.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” there wasn’t much talk after that. They filled out the sheet in silence, the room very quiet during the time it took for the therapist to come. Even he and Jongdae, who had been talking the entire day yesterday, weren't trying to make a conversation. That might also probably be because Jongdae had put his head down, trying to sleep.</p><p>Minseok couldn’t help but sigh, resting his cheek against the polished cold wooden table, the coolness of it pressing against his cheek made him shiver. He was cold, but when wasn’t he? Many people had explained to him that it was because he was underweight the reason why he was always cold. Why he couldn’t stand up without getting dizzy, random moments where his ears would ring, his cause of bad memory, the heaviness in his body, why he was always so tired.</p><p>Because he was sick.</p><p>Just like he always had been.</p><p>It felt like forever before the therapist walked through the door, setting her things in her office before walking around to collect the sheets. When she reached Minseok, he looked at his sheet one more time before handing it to her. He had been having thoughts of changing his answers, he wanted to get out of the program as soon as possible but at the same time he knew he wanted help. He couldn’t go around lying, it would do nothing to help him.</p><p>“Good morning, well then, let’s start with, Kyungsoo,” she looked up from the sheets after she had sat down in the same chair she had been sitting the day before in. After flipping through the papers she pulled one out, Kyungsoo’s most likely. At the back it had drawings of eyes, mouths, body parts that were all very realistic for having been done in such a short amount of time.</p><p>“How are you today?” her voice was friendly, bubbly, someone who Minseok suspected would always look towards the positive of a situation now matter how much shit might happen. While it would make sense for someone like her to work in their field, a small part of him felt bitterness. Why couldn’t he be like her, happy, bubbly, positive.</p><p>Healthy</p><p>“Tired,” Minseok switched his gaze towards Kyungsoo who had black clothes again. This time a hoodie with a white design and dark pants, his hoodie over his messy hair and dark circles under his eyes. Yes, he was definitely tired. He could relate, he was exhausted, all he wanted to do right now was sleep until all his problems went away.</p><p>“Oh, have your sleeping pills not been helping?” she wrote something on a paper, probably annotating his words and actions like they had done upstairs. Minseok remembered seeing the grids, the many notes from the nurses who recorded their every moment as if they were an experiment. Their mood, words, actions, how much they ate, how much they socialized and talked. Everything about them was annotated.</p><p>“No. And I’ve been having nightmares again.”</p><p>“What kind of nightmares,”</p><p>A small sigh escaped Kyungsoo, “A dog is chasing me, I’m running from it but someone else is also chasing me. I keep running and running but I suddenly get blocked by a wall. The dog is near and so is the person, they want to kill me. They want to kill me and I’m scared. I don’t want to die. But someone is also telling me I want to. I don’t know who to listen to. Just when they’re about to reach me I wake up.”</p><p>The mention of his nightmares snap Minseok out of his story. He could remember his own dreams. How much blood there had been, the abuse from the person who he had been seeing through. He could remember the little girl in his dreams, so oblivious to what was happening to her.</p><p>It was still all so vivid. There were times he didn’t want to sleep because he feared the dreams would invade his mind. It wasn’t that he was disturber by them, more like the fact that he wasn’t disturbed. The amount of murder in them, blood, assault, disgusting things that made him be repulsed by himself. He did his best not to think about them.</p><p>“I see, you only sleep 2 hours today. I’m sorry, I’ll talk to the psychiatrist to see if they can up the dose of the Melatonin. Would that be okay with you?” after a small nod from Kyungsoo, Ms. Chunhei continued with the questions. She wrote something before looking up again. That was one thing Minseok quickly noticed from her. When someone spoke, she gave them her full attention.</p><p>“I see your anxiety is a 6 today, yesterday it was an 8, that’s good!” Kyungsoo nodded but Minseok could tell it wasn’t really much of a milestone for him. He could see his leg bouncing a lot, something he had noticed a lot of people who were like them did when they were anxious. The need to do something with all the unnecessary energy caused them to do things like play with their hands, bounce their knees, something to let the adrenaline out.</p><p>“Your depression is high, 7 and you said you are having both suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Do you want to talk about them?” Minseok blinked, realizing that he was in a room where some of them were truly dangerous. Some of them felt like they wanted to kill others, some had anger issues, others were currently suicidal.</p><p>“I want to kill my mom.” Kyungsoo blinked, voice empty, “She hasn’t done anything to me. But I feel like I want to kill her. The thoughts keep revolving around my head how I should just get a knife and stab her, cut her until she’s not breathing anymore. I know I won’t act on them, but they keep revolving around my head.”</p><p>A shiver went down Minseok’s spine. People, people who he was less than ten feet away from had thoughts of killing people. Had thoughts of killing their relative, and while it sounded like they weren’t planning to act upon it, it still sent a wave of fear because they had thoughts about it.</p><p>“And I also want to kill myself. The same thing everyone here does, I don’t want to be alive. I want to escape this world and rest forever but I also know my family doesn’t want that. I won’t try to overdose again, but the thought that I would be better off like that it’s there. Even now, I’m so tired that a part of me is saying I should just give up,” Minseok looked down.</p><p>He understood that feeling. He had felt that feeling inside him for too long. To the point he almost tried to commit suicide. He was so glad he talked to someone before that happened. He was so glad someone reached out to him and pushed him. Nobody deserved what they were going through right now.</p><p>“You also said you had these thoughts yesterday, did you use any coping skills?” Kyungsoo nodded, mumbling a small “painting.” After that a few more questions followed before Ms. Chunhei moved on to the next person. It was the same thing until it reached Minseok who felt too tired to be anxious about questions.</p><p>“I’m tired. I have trouble sleeping,” it was true, the entire night he had been twisting and turning to the point he felt he had no hours of sleep at all. He was exhausted, eyes burning with the need to rest, body so heavy. Adding that to the fact that he felt nauseous did not help in the slightest.</p><p>“I see, your psychiatrist should be talking to you later today, talk to them about your sleeping problems and I’ll see what they recommend to you. I hope it helps,” Minseok nodded with a sigh. Last time they had recommended him sleeping pills they had not lasted for more than a day or two, he was so sleep deprived he felt he might collapse one day.</p><p>“Your anxiety is a 5, it’s not very high nor low, I hope by the end of the day it’ll lower,” another nod that felt nonchalant. After that the following questions flew by. The nauseous feeling started to feel stronger, enough for Minseok to put his head down. He hadn’t even eaten that much that morning, just a piece of bread and a small cup of coffee. His mind started to go blank, ears ringing a bit.</p><p>“Hey there, are you ok?” Jongdae’s quiet whisper reached his ears. No, he did not feel okay in the slightest. He felt sick, he felt nauseous, he wanted to throw up everything he had eaten. His head felt so blank and the endless ringing through his ear had already started.</p><p>“I’m fine,” that was a lie. A few more minutes passed in which the therapist continued on asking other people the daily check in. The feeling of sickness was not going away no matter how much time passed. Unfortunately for Minseok, it wasn’t long before Ms. Chunhei noticed.</p><p>“Minseok are you ok?”</p><p>“Not really, I’m a bit nauseous,” a bit was an understatement. He felt like throwing up, at least his anxiety wasn’t being a bitch. Wait-no, nevermind, his head was starting to pulse and there was his heart going crazy over absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, but here was his body hating him like it was really his enemy.</p><p>“You do look a bit pale. Do you want to step into my office while I call the nurses to check your vitals?” no he didn’t want to stand up but forcing himself to raise his head, Minseok nodded. With a struggle to stand up, swaying a little from the way his head was so dizzy, Minseok walked towards the chair. He collapsed once he was inside the office, black cushioned chair cold against his jeans.</p><p>He rested his head against the window, shivering at the coolness of the glass. It was January, so cold and windy and wet. He hated winter, he hated being so cold and hated how this year had turned out. Instead of spending the break being lazy and snuggled up under his blankets, he had spent it in hospitals, therapies and being a fucked up piece of shit.</p><p>Here he was, sick again like that was his job.</p><p>“Minseok, come on,” he turned his head around slowly, well that was fast. With his head pounding, he slowly stood up and walked towards the nurse. He focused on trying not to sway, there was no need to worry anybody anymore than he already had done. The worried face of Jongdae caught the corner of his eye, that all he could really answer with was a small smile.</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>Minseok couldn’t help but sigh, that day had been particularly exhausting. After they had led him towards the nurses to check his vitals they had given him a boost and vitamin water. With the excuse that they knew he wouldn’t drink the water the main nurse had instructed Wendy to watch him drink everything.</p><p>Of course he didn’t drink everything. His stomach simply didn’t have enough room for a full cup of water and Boost all in one. A normal person without an eating disorder might’ve been able to drink all of that, but Minseok was sick, of course he wasn’t able to. Wendy has been understanding enough to tell him he didn’t have to drink all of the vitamin water, but at least most of it. The Boost was the same thankfully.</p><p>After that he entered back to group, many people looking at him unfortunately. He had sat down next to Jongdae, more comfortable with him seeing it he had spent most of the day before talking with him. The question if he was okay was asked, that after a quick explanation of what happened Jongdae let go of it.</p><p>The rest of the day felt like a drag, walking outside towards the indoor garden because apparently they needed fresh air and sun. Minseok called bullshit on that, it was freezing cold outside and it was cloudy. The only good thing outside was the fact that they didn’t have to do anything specific. Well other than freeze their asses off.</p><p>“It’s not even that cold,” Jongdae had laughed when Minseok bitterly exclaimed how freezing patients wasn’t legal. Minseok immediately went on a rant about how it felt like it would snow (even though he knew it wasn’t even anywhere near close). From then on all that could be heard from their side of the garden was Jongdae’s laughter and Minseok’s rapid prostrating words.</p><p>“Here then,” Jongdae unzipped his jacket, offering it to Minseok who wasted no time on pulling over himself. The sleeves covered his hands creating sweater-paws much to both of their amusements. Snuggling deeper into the warm cloth Minseok glances at Jongdae who didn’t seem to be bothered by the cold.</p><p>“If you catch a cold it’s not my fault,” he warned, narrowing his eyes. Many people had told him he had an intense gaze, and he would always use a weapon presented to him in his advantage. Jongdae shrugged his shoulders, shooting him one of those smiles he always seemed to wear when they were talking. Except for the times his anxiety acted out.</p><p>“Ok,”</p><p>After that the days continued on. While the time on therapy felt like it dragged out a lot, it didn’t seem so bad when he spent time with Jongdae. Minseok found himself talking to Jongdae the entire time, it got once to the point the therapist interrupted them asking them to pay attention.</p><p>She had asked them questions on the topic they had been talking about, anger, which after some spluttering neither answered correctly. More gently she requested them to pay attention, therapy was mainly there for them to get better, not to create friendships. With a small nod Minseok and Jongdae looked back at each other, turning downwards to start writing each other notes instead.</p><p>
  <em>‘Hi’</em>
</p><p>Minseok had to bit back a smile, watching Jongdae scribble a response on his own crossword book with his blue highlighter. Taking a quick look at the therapist who was explaining how anger usually hid other emotions, Minseok turned back to find Jongdae’s paper reading a sloppy.</p><p>
  <em>‘How many crosswords u have done rn’</em>
</p><p>Looking down at his own crosswords, Minseok quickly flipped the pages to count. They had a competition of who could do more crosswords since the day they had met. Minseok had always been better, as he rubbed it all of Jongdae’s face when he crossed a word Jongdae couldn’t find for a while. The frustration on Jongdae’s face was always the most amusing part.</p><p>
  <em>‘27’</em>
</p><p>Just from the way Jongdae scowled he could tell he had won, yet again.</p><p>
  <em>‘Shut up. 19’</em>
</p><p>As each day passed by, Minseok watched people get discharged. He watched them leave, first Baekhyun, then Chanyeol. Both of them a day after the other much to their relief. It had been a bittersweet moment. Just from the small time they had spent together Minseok had considered them people he could’ve been great friends with had they not been in that specific situation.</p><p>He also noticed Jongdae getting emotional when Luhan got discharged from Php, apparently they had been hospitalized the same day, been inpatient together and been discharged a day after the other. They had known each other for an entire month and a half and for them, that every day mattered, that had been a long time.</p><p>It reminded Minseok of the time he had been inpatient. He had seen three people who had arrived on the same day he had been hospitalized leave him, watched how every person he had been introduced the day he met left. The desperation of feeling he would be left behind while everyone moved on, it had almost been almost as bad as before he had been hospitalized.</p><p>“Don’t cry Kim Jongdae! I’ll cry too!” Luhan was blinking suspiciously fast for someone who had just denied ever crying. With a quick hug he left with the others, waving at everyone and yelling, “DON’T WORRY! I WON'T COME BACK! I HOPE TO NEVER SEE ANY OF YOUR FACES IN HERE AGAIN!”</p><p>“Had this been any other situation that would’ve been harsh,” Minseok whispered to Jongdae who nodded, sniffing before sighing. He blinked, turning to Minseok with both a sad and hopeful look on his face. Minseok understood that feeling. He was sad to watch the people who had managed to make the situation he was in, at the very least comfortable, leave but at the same time he was hopeful they would get better.</p><p>“Yeah but this is a hospital where people are sick. I enjoyed everyone’s,” Jongdae paused, "almost everyone’s presence.” They both winced, remembering the patient that had only been there with them for a day before he never came back again. The reason had obviously been because he had snapped at Sehun when he had been anxious.</p><p>Sehun had been tapping his hand on the table, creating a rhythmic tapping sound across the room. Nobody had said anything to him, all knowing how anxiety felt. It wasn’t something they could really control once it was to the point where Sehun currently was, he looked a few minutes away from a panic attack. They all left him alone, hoping he would calm down.</p><p>Almost everyone. The new kid that the second he entered showed no interest in getting better. When asked what food was his favorite he responded with a drug, confessing to having been an addict until someone found out. Bluntly honest he told the therapist he had inhaled a drug the night before, surprising everyone seeing nobody had asked him.</p><p>Out of nowhere that same patient had snapped at Sehun. He stood up, walking to him and yelling that if he didn’t stop that he would slit his throat. Immediately the nurses had rushed in, taking him away. After that nobody saw him again, everyone suspecting he had gone upstairs as inpatient with that stunt.</p><p>“I really hope they get better, even if it makes me sad I most likely won’t ever see them again, I rather they be healthy and not see them than sick and see them here,” they both understood they didn’t have much choices in the matter. Luhan had lived two hours away from the hospital, others less or the same. They wouldn’t see each other again after that.</p><p>“Me too, I just hope we can enjoy the time we have with each other right now if that’s not too much to ask,” a small part of Minseok was afraid Jongdae would laugh at him or something. He knew it was stupid, Jongdae wasn’t that sort of person. But those thoughts would always try to make everyone feel like nobody cared about him.</p><p>Jongdae shook his head, a smile curling on his lips, “It’s not.”</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>For once Minseok was excited to go to therapy. Actually, he was excited to see Jongdae. The night before he had gone to the store and had found a crossword book and even gotten this marshmallow dipped in chocolate with small marshmallows to bring as a snack. He was planning to share it with Jongdae causing the excitement.</p><p>So he was probably acting like a child, getting all worked up about sharing a snack with someone else. But he really couldn’t remember the last time he felt that excitement, the last time he had felt so comfortable around someone enough to think about them outside of needed time. Jongdae was someone he could actually say was his friend.</p><p>Yes, Jongdae was his friend.</p><p>He could barely keep the smile off his face when he got into the building, for once not being as bitter when having to come to therapy. After entering the room and putting his small backpack away in the locked cubbies, Minseok walked into the room, only to not find Jongdae.</p><p>His smile fell from his face but he shrugged it off. He went to grab two papers like usually either him or Jongdae would do and sat at their usual table. Filling out the form was different for once. He hadn’t had suicidal thoughts, still struggling to sleep, almost no depression or anxiety. The day before had been a good day and apart from Jongdae not being there yet, it was still pretty good.</p><p>Time passed in what felt like years, but finally the other patients arrived. Jongdae was there, eyes immediately searching for him in their corner. The second they locked eyes he grinned, walking over to him and sitting down where he usually sat. There was a small greeting of “Good morning” before they broke the normal act.</p><p>“I bought this yesterday,” he showed Jongdae his crossword book that he had already started. He had the first three crosswords done. Jongdae looked at him with a quick blink of eyes before they shifted towards another notebook Minseok hadn’t noticed Jongdae had put down when he first arrived. It was the exact same crossword book he had but a different volume.</p><p>“You-“</p><p>“Dude-“</p><p>Minseok slapped a hand on his forehead, shaking his head while Jongdae started laughing. And here he had been trying to surprise Jongdae with a crossword to do together but Jongdae had apparently had the same idea. Not only that, but they had chosen the same brand with only volumes apart from each other.</p><p>“Please tell me you at least haven’t brought this,” he groaned, pushing the marshmallows towards Jongdae to let him see. He saw the way Jongdae licked his lips, shaking his head but his hand reached out as if he wanted to grab it. Understanding what Jongdae wanted, Minseok opened it, grabbed one of the packages and started to give it to him.</p><p>“Minseok you aren’t allowed to share food,”</p><p>Minseok almost jumped at the voice behind him, freezing midway. He saw the way Jongdae froze, his face filled with fear as if he was in danger. Clearing his throat, Minseok turned back to see Wendy with a small frown. “Ah, I didn’t know that,” he put it down, waited until Wendy turned back to talk with the other patients before looking at Jongdae.</p><p>“She scared me,” Jongdae whispered, blinking before he started laughing. Minseok couldn’t help but join him, remembering the way Jongdae’s face had been. Eventually the laughter withered down, Minseok looking back to see Wendy focused talking with the others about something her nephew had done.</p><p>He pushed the marshmallow forwards to Jongdae again who furrowed his eyebrows, shaking his head as if to remind him what they weren’t supposed to do. But Minseok rolled his eyes, “Nobody needs to know. Besides, it’s not going to kill you,” Minseok was never one to break rules but he would make an exception for Jongdae.</p><p>“Where would I hide it,” but Jongdae was already reaching out, eyes flickering towards Wendy. Minseok grinned, couldn’t push down the feeling of anxiety that built up inside him at the thought of getting caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to do. This anxiety didn’t feel like the usual one where it made him feel like he was losing control.</p><p>No.</p><p>This one felt more like a childish giddy feeling. One he might’ve felt like when he had been a child, one he might’ve been able to experience had his social anxiety hadn’t choked him since he was small. All of this childhood he had been right next to his older brother, avoiding loud places and other children that weren’t his brother. He never really got to be outgoing and the feeling he currently felt was probably what he should’ve experienced long ago had he not been so sick since birth.</p><p>“Your pocket,” that was all Jongdae seemed to have needed because after a quick scan around the room, he snatched the treat under the table. From where Minseok was he could see the way he opened his pocket from his burgundy sweater, hiding the marshmallow before flashing him a childish smile.</p><p>“Nobody needs to know,” Minseok brought a hand towards his face to hide his giant smile that from the way Jongdae grinned back at him, he could tell he had done a very poor job. To add to the whole childish exchange they had just done he winked. A rush of warmth started to creep up on his ears, but it was okay seeing Jongdae just laughed.</p><p>“Nobody needs to know,” Jongdae repeated.</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p><p>It was his last day.</p><p>Minseok watched Jongdae come out of the therapist office during a group session they had been in. For the first time since he had entered the outpatient program, Minseok felt unsettled at the thought of someone being discharged. Sure he had seen most of the people he had first been with leave, but he hadn’t felt as close to them as he felt with Jongdae.</p><p>“Hey, how’d it go,” he asked softly, forcing a small smile on his lips when Jongdae sat back down on the chair in front of him. Just from the fact that Jongdae had a green folder he could tell that those were the paperwork for discharge. His heart twisted in anxiety, Jongdae was going to leave him here alone. He had been discharged and Minseok will stay here for who knows how long without any comfort.</p><p>“Good, I’m being discharged tomorrow!” Jongdae smiled, actually smiled a grin that represented happiness. Of course he wanted to get out of here, no matter how much he might enjoy Minseok’s company, he wanted out as soon as possible just like everyone here.</p><p>But when hearing how soon it was still brought shock to Minseok. They were already on the third session and they went home. After that tomorrow would come, Jongdae’s last day before he left and then Minseok would never see him again. They didn’t belong to the same school, same group of friends, hell they didn’t even know each other until a few weeks ago. Jongdae would forget about him.</p><p>“Wow, congrats! I bet you’re really happy!” the cheerfulness in his voice didn’t sound that genuine even to him. Minseok grimaced, tried again to smile only to find Jongdae chuckling. In the end he just rolled his eyes, giving up on that poor excuse of congratulations. He looked down at his crossword puzzle, seeing Jongdae’s little doodles all over the bottom just to feel sadness wash over him.</p><p>“I am,” of course he was. “But,”</p><p>Minseok looked up immediately, eyes fixated on Jongdae who opened the folder, took out the papers and put it in front of him. The records of the inpatient information of weeks ago were there, diagnoses, and reasons why he was hospitalized. After flipping the pages until he came to the discharge plans, Minseok stopped to read.</p><p>IOP is strongly recommended</p><p>“I’ll be in IOP so I’ll still see you every Monday, Wednesday and Friday,” Jongdae pulled the papers from his grasp, putting them back on his folder. He was looking at Minseok for his reaction, who had frozen at the news. He blinked as if he was confused before slowly smiling, his cheeks starting to heat up because of his reaction of before.</p><p>“Oh,” he mumbled, not knowing if he should be happy that he would still see Jongdae or sad because Jongdae still wasn’t done. The small laugh that came out of Jongdae made him look at him, finding him with his chin resting on his palm. His black hair was brushed to the side, kitten shaped lips forming a warm smile, his eyes still so gentle.</p><p>“Shut up, don’t pretend you aren’t happy that we’ll still see each other,” there was a teasing tone in Jongdae’s words, enough for Minseok to snap out it. He huffed, wanting to push Jongdae but knew if he even touched him the nurses would probably think he wanted to fight or they were having a problem. Instead he settled with a glare.</p><p>“Shut up, I’m not,” that was a lie. They both could tell seeing Minseok was biting his lip to stop himself from smiling. Jongdae wasn’t going to leave him just yet. Sure they’ll have to separate eventually but they still had a few more weeks at most. That was enough for now.</p><p>“Oh,” raising an eyebrow at the way Jongdae suddenly started scribbling something on a random piece of paper, Minseok tilted his head. He wondered what he was doing. Thankfully he didn’t have to wait long because after a minute Jongdae raised his head, pushing the paper towards him after looking around, a grin on his lips.</p><p>“Here’s my number, so you won’t get lonely the days we can’t see each other,”</p><p>“We can’t exchange numbers,” that didn’t stop Minseok from reaching out towards the paper, sliding it under his palm to cover it. He raised an eyebrow, grabbing his highlighter, writing his number on a scrap piece of before sliding it towards Jongdae who snatched it without hesitation. They grinned at each other, smiling despite knowing they had limited time together.</p><p>“No one needs to know,” with a wink Jongdae hid the paper in his pocket.</p><p>With a small chuckle Minseok nodded, “No one needs to know.”</p><p>ฅ^·ﻌ·^ฅ</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If anyone is passing through any of these things please seek out help, or just talk to someone. Nobody deserves this on their lives. I hope you guys enjoyed the story, even if it wasn’t full on romance</p></blockquote></div></div>
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